My Time On Tinder

     Many new things have been going on in my little sphere of existence. I relocated to a new city. I finally bought a smart phone. I found a new job. Also, and this may not surprise anyone who knows me, I went through another break-up. It was easily the most mature and smoothly transitioned break-up with which I have dealt. As much of an interesting story as it was it’s not the break-up, itself, that is this focus of this entry, but the results it brought about.


     I can happily say that my now Ex and I are still good friends and we were talking about my new single life. I’m not sure if it was because I was newly single, because I was still new to the city or simply because I am inescapably a guy, but I felt the need to go out and mingle again. Ex, as she shall be affectionately known for the intents of this entry, suggested I use my new toy and look into dating apps. What started as a curiosity into such phenomena quickly turned into a joke, and then ended up being more of a part of my continual study of human nature.

I downloaded Tinder.


     This app makes no sense. And it’s not the app, itself, that makes no sense. It’s the aura of confusing WHAT-THE-HELL that surrounds it. First let’s have a look at what it is and how it works.

You upload a few photos of yourself.

You describe yourself in an allotted space that doesn’t feel like much more than two times a tweet.

You set a preference of age range and distance from your location of people you seek.

You then view others’ profiles at random.

     That’s it. All you see is a picture and a small caption. The rest of how the app works suits this limited bit of information quite well. Let’s look at how you use it.


     You look at profiles and have the option of swiping them left or right. Swiping right indicates you “Like” the person. Swiping left shows the word “Nope” flash on the screen. You can look at more pictures of them if you choose but that is all. It becomes confusing, too, because you swipe left to view more pictures so it is easy to accidentally “Nope” someone. Once you do so, you will never see their profile again, and they will never see yours. It’s ominously final. If, however, you and a potentially attractive stranger both “Like” each other, you may then (and only then) message each other and take it from there.

     Seems pretty simple and straightforward, yes? To objectively weigh the mechanism of the app, it’s a straight-up hook-up app. There’s nothing substantial. There is little detail. It is absolutely impossible to encapsulate someone’s entire identity and laundry list of personal nuances into a few digital photos and a doubletweet.

     If you are a male sifting through female’s profiles you begin to notice a pattern, and this is where it becomes confusing to me. A solid 8 out of 10 of them put a little disclaimer in their doubletweet, life-encompassing profile that says something to the effect of, “Not here for a hook-up.” Such limited space to say whatever they can to seem attractive or reveal something honest, and that’s what they choose to say.


      Then what the hell are you here for? Whether or not you have solid morals and good intentions, you are making your choice about a total stranger based on the thought, “Meh, I’d fuck ya…” If even subconsciously. There’s just not enough time or space in it to put anything of real, substantial worth.

     The app is genius, really. It is perfectly tailored to our desire for more, and quicker, and now. The issue is that someone who is looking for something so fast, easy and immediate is likely not the type of person who wants to get to know the inner depths of someone else’s true self and all of their idiosyncrasies and vulnerabilities. There’s a lack of reconciliation between such expressed desire and high IQ. What I’m saying is that anyone who is on something like Tinder for any substantial amount of time for “not a hook-up” is probably an idiot. Or in some way socially ignorant if only of other, better dating apps.

     It’s a white girl app. A spot to look pretty, feel attractive and be affirmed. I can’t tell you how much duck face I saw

The Horror...

The Horror…

     I uninstalled it after a week and went for OkCupid. Further observations pending…



One response to “My Time On Tinder

  1. Holy shit Boston, seriously a dating app. With all of you boyish charm and wit this is what has come to……WOW sad. Hell you work at Whole Foods man rumored to be one if the best pick up joints. Oh my bad thats the Lamar store. But shit I have no room to talk I’ve been dateless for a while. Guess that 2 job 7days a week may not be working in my favor. Well you might just want to try another route. Good luck.

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